To protect my husband and the thousands of men and women deployed, I can't say exactly how long it is until he returns but let's just say it's a few days after my birthday ;) ...and that's about a month away! I'm getting so excited to reunite with my truest soulmate. Prior to Kevin leaving, I think I struggled with my sense of independence. Thinking back to before we even began dating, I was the most independent person I knew. I depended on NO one, not even my family. And while our society glorifies the idea of an "independent woman," I definitely believe that there is a balance to achieve. So I set an intention for our time apart- to dig deep within and clean up some mental cobwebs :P I allowed things to surface and most importantly, I dealt with them. By no means would I say I addressed every "issue," because I AM human, but I do believe I have made progress. So here's what I've learned in almost 7 months' alone time...
IT'S OKAY TO RECEIVE
Specifically, the issue I believe I suffered with pre-deployment is that I felt it was "wrong" for me to spend so much time with Kevin. Don't get me wrong, I still was very much my own person, in and out of our relationship. However, even after 3 years of dating, I felt as if it was a bad thing for me to find so much joy from a relationship, for me to be able to receive so much from another person. (HINT: It's not) It brings me so much joy to give to others that I never realized how uncomfortable it was for me to do things that felt good for ME. Whether that be time, space, or a gift. I booked myself numerous healing sessions, took naps when I felt sluggish, paid to get my nails done, and even bought myself a much deserved Mac Book. hehe
REALITY IS A MATTER OF PERSPECTIVE
Another huge lesson is me understanding that the only person that has ever been in the way to my truest path, my destiny, my purest joy is... ME. And that truly, the sky is the limit. I can have ANYthing I want, but I must truly believe this. The same goes for you! You can repeat mantras and manifestations 'til you're blue in the face, but if you don't believe them, it's pointless! Take this for example, you're on the beach and you see a beautiful home with this million dollar ocean view. Are your thoughts more in line with, "I could never afford that!" or "One day..."? Because either one is true. Even me associating negativity toward receiving abundant love and joy from my marriage is a direct interference on joy and and abundance, themselves! Our thoughts are so powerful that we don't even realize how much we unnecessarily limit ourselves daily.
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS, TRULY
I am not home without my husband. And while I used to believe that to be a "weakness," I now know it is not. It's in fact, the opposite. It's the largest blessing...to be able to have a partner in LIFE. Kevin is my best friend. In his absence, I was able to re-experience the emotions I felt before him. I've been able to re-immerse myself in feelings of loneliness. We tend to forget or glamorize those "dark" feelings once we find the light. But I like to think that I've been able to dance with both the dark and light. There is SO much power in both spectrums. Some of our most beautiful and life-changing experiences are a result of being in a dark place. For 23 years, I yearned for that feeling and the second I met him, I experienced a grounded feeling I had never known possible.
THERE IS BEAUTY IN THE NOW
I've tried to keep my mind focused on today, all 190 days of this journey. As much as I want to rejoice in our reunion, I've tried to keep in mind that one day I won't have this much freedom. One day I will be in the midst of slinging baby bottles, school drop offs, and last minute school projects that I'm sure I'll miss this alone time (haha). In all seriousness, I'm sure motherhood is lovely but for right now, being accountable for just myself (and sometimes Kevin ;)) is perfect. I have so much more to learn about myself, so much more to discover about the world that I'm okay with taking everything day by day. Being separated from my better half has taught me an unbelievable amount of patience...that sometimes it's the best thing to hit pause, before you can move forward.
I'm sure my husband can attest to this one, as well. When your thousands of miles away and one of you is in the middle of the ocean, and things don't quite go the way you hoped or expected, there is not a single that you can do. I can specifically remember an issue that arose about half way through. I set expectations on the situation and when they were not met, I was terribly upset at Kevin. A small portion was in his control and then it wasn't. It's rather hard to sustain an argument when you get 1-2 emails every 24 hours. I had two options: unnecessarily argue over a period of days through limited communication OR...let go. Having to separate your actions from your emotions is probably one of the hardest adult lessons I've endured. I'm a rather passionate and sometimes stubborn individual, but let me tell you, surrendering is SO much peaceful. Life is easier when you detach from all that does not serve you.
& last but definitely not least...
THE SMALL THINGS MATTER MOST
One of my first observations during this deployment was that I missed Kevin the most during the mundane things like grocery shopping, cooking, ordering take out and having a lazy day in, or even waking up in the middle of the night knowing he was right by my side. Of course I miss doing date nights and having that permanent partner at social events but it's almost surreal that I actually get to do those "boring" things with him again; thinking about it just seems like a treat! I don't think I ever took these things for granted because he's been in the military our entire relationship but it's definitely made me realize how much of a privilege it is to share life with another individual in this way. So really, the small things really aren't that small at all, put together they create your entire life...and I can't wait to have that piece of my life back again. XO